This evening, I wanted some pudding. I don’t usually care for pudding that much, (ice cream is better any day!) but I wanted some chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream. So I hopped in my beautiful, new-to-me Mercury Cougar and found myself in the grocery section in Target.
As I walked up and down the aisles and gazed at the freezer section, I got a hunger. That’s when I started putting more than just pudding in my basket. I bought an 8 pack of pudding, 2 containers of whipped topping, 1 box of ice cream, 2 bags of Lindor Truffles. This dear folks, is what we call emotional buying. I didn’t really want all that sugar. I don’t really want to eat all that sugar. But there is something inside me that was urging me to get it.
I’m so tired of fighting that little voice inside that tells me not to care what I put in my body, how I think, whether or not I exercise every day. That little voice that says, “You’ll never be more than you are, so why try? No man will ever love you unless you are slender and you know you can’t quit eating the junk and exercise every day. All these dreams you have about being a dynamic, strong personality with plenty of energy will never actually happen, so just give in and enjoy sitting around eating sugar and watching tv.”
That little voice that keeps me where I am and continues to push me further back. Sometimes I fight it. Usually after I’ve gone on a bit of a binge like today I get sick enough of my life to do something about it. But that never lasts long. Every time I slip back into the rut I’ve been in for years. Every time.
I keep expecting something to happen. Something to change the way I think and make it all different. But every time something happens and I think, “This is it!” I just go back again.
But every time I go back, I run into someone who needs help. Someone who needs love and support that I could give them if I weren’t such a mess myself. Then I cry because I don’t know how to change. I’ve heard all the answers, all the solutions. I’ve tried every one. I guess I’m just looking for a quick fix when what I really need is a simple, day by day, progression. One baby step after another. But even the baby steps only last a few days before they to disappear. What is it that has such a hold on me and how can I break that hold?
So many times I’ve been told that Jesus is the answer. That He can break these bonds and so many times I have cried out to Him to set me free. But that doesn’t last either and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. Or perhaps what I’m not doing at all that I should be doing.
Excuse me while I go have ice cream for supper…
New Love...New Life 