Not My Daddy’s Helpmeet

….By one of the daughters of patriarchy

We all filed into the evening service and I sat down in my chair with an open mind, ready and willing to be convinced.  I hadn’t realized that they would be watching that film this evening until I arrived and I decided to take the opportunity to view it once more and see if I could find something I had missed or see something I had been blinded to the multiple times I’d seen it before.

By the time it was over, I had perhaps gained slightly new insight, but I was left exactly where I’d started.  Everyone clapped as the movie ended…everyone except me.  You see, I have seen another side of the doctrine I call Patriocentric Daughters and the more I run into wonderful, godly Christian people who are accepting this doctrine hook, line and sinker the way my parents did many years ago…the more I wish that I could show them what I have seen and learned after having grown up in a family and around other families where this doctrine is a normal way of life.  I hope that you will bear with me here and listen with an open heart and I pray that your eyes and mine will be open to the truth. May we all be balanced rather than going from one extreme to the other.

The world has taught women that they, not only can, but ought to do anything that men do.  That they should be strong, independent of every male on earth (unless he’s their boss and then they can serve him with their whole heart) they should have a career, be successful, have one or two children at the most and immediately send them off to daycare and to school so that mom can continue her career.  Young women especially are encouraged to put off marriage until later, get out of their parents’ home as soon as possible, go to college and prepare to be successful women able to handle both a career and a man on a leash.

Many in the conservative Christian church have found that life doesn’t have to work that way for their wives and women have begun making it their career to raise godly children alongside their man.  Increasingly these same people have looked at their precious, beautiful daughters growing up and they have wanted something better for them as well.  They don’t want to see their little girl go off to college, get tossed about by the world and end up with a broken heart from the last wolf posing as Prince Charming.

So they began to reject the world’s view of daughters and return to the idea that a woman remains at home under the protection of her father until she marries and begins her own family with her husband.

This basic idea, in my opinion, is biblical and often the best course of action for all concerned.  But then things began to go wrong and instead of strong, healthy, godly women coming out of their father’s home, we began to see grown up little girls that can’t make a decision on their own, can do nothing other than run a household and some are so tired after spending most of their lives raising their younger siblings, that the few that are lucky enough to find a man (who either WANTS a daughter with benefits or is willing to help her grow up…) the woman has now spent 20 years being a housewife already and has little desire for many children of her own…that is, IF she ever gets married.  We see many, maybe even most, not getting married at all as the few men their age go after other young women who are willing to be housewives but also share some of the same experiences and are on the same wavelength as the young men that they marry.

Some of these women that stay home stay because they dare not do otherwise.  They’ve been taught that this is what God wants them to do and if they move out then they are in rebellion and will at worst be raped and murdered without a man nearby and at best will either never marry (because godly men only want girls that stayed home and obeyed their father) or will marry a worldly Christian who goes to a mega-church.

Some of these women have chosen to stay because they never had the chance to choose anything else.  Doing what others, daddy in particular, want them to do is so ingrained in them from a young age that they hardly know if they are making their own decisions or if they’ve just buried themselves so far that they’ve become an extension of their father, (with the plan being that they will later become an extension of their husband.)

Some of these women have chosen to stay at home completely of their own free will and it really was their decision.  Their father has a mission and a ministry that they can be involved in and use the talents that God has given them to serve others (beyond just their family) they work with their fathers in a way that allows them to take full advantage of their parents’ wisdom while still making decisions and functioning as an adult.  These are the young women usually held up as examples.  These are the women that everyone expects their daughters will be like if they just make them stay home and help with mommy’s chores on into their adulthood.  These are the women that, in reality, are very rare.

I think there are several things that contribute to ruining the idea of patriarchal daughterhood.  Even after having grown up this way and with it being an issue at the forefront of my mind for over 5 years of my own adult life, I’m sure that I do not understand all of it, but here are a few things that I would like to say as a caution for those who are looking to embrace or already have embraced this idea of keeping their daughters at home…

1. One thing that people like the Botkin family will tell you is that in order for this to work, the father MUST have a vision.  I think that a lot of fathers interpret this to mean that they must have an idea in their head of where they want to go.  Trouble is, most of those fathers are barely keeping their heads above water working an 8-5 job and raising 10 kids.  They don’t have the time to have and work toward a big vision outside of that and so it remains only an unfulfilled dream.  I know several daughters of fathers with big visions.  One was her father’s research assistant at 17 and now at 24 years old, she is a 5th grade teacher, has written and published a book, is continuing her already extensive education and the list goes on.  Two sisters have written and published at least two books, worked with their brothers to produce the film mentioned above, taught workshops for young women on various subjects, maintain a well-written blog, etc.  But most of the young women I know either don’t know what to do (and end up either working a minimum wage job that doesn’t require anything beyond a highschool education or just staying home and running the house for mom) or they feel like they can’t do what they want to do because it can’t be done with their family.  These are the women whose fathers don’t have a big vision and/or think that their daughters can only participate in ministry that directly pertains to the family.  And these are the fathers who wonder what is wrong with their daughter when she grows bored and resentful and starts wanting out.  (Note, this does not mean that you should come up with a big vision and then force your daughter into it.  Place her in a position where she can best use the talents God has given her whether it is a family thing or something she does as an individual.)

2. One thing that I did notice that evening when I watched that film for the 3rd or 4th time is that multiple times it was stated that this or that daughter CHOSE to stay home.  Many parents seem to miss that and when God leads their daughter to go on the mission field or serve in some way that requires her to be away from home or even just use her talents in a way that does not directly pertain to the family or when they have a daughter like I mentioned above who decided not to stay, they try to force her to remain at home usually by manipulation, most of these parents would not use physical force (although some have tried that.)  Even if they don’t force her later, they’ve raised her as if there is no other option.  They neglect to consider that God might have different ideas and plans for their daughter than they do and when the daughter finds herself sensing God leading her out, they fight to keep her in by resorting to the old lies that going against daddy is rebellion and no man will want to marry a woman not submitted to her father, etc.  Often these parents end up immobilizing their daughter who is so afraid to do anything not pleasing to the Lord and they unintentionally cause her to not obey God’s calling.  Embrace a balanced view of daughters at home, but also realize that once your daughter is grown, you cannot keep her home against her will and you cannot argue her into staying.  You can only manipulate the mind that has been trained to obey you and take your decisions over her own.

3. Often parents misunderstand the teachings about fathers and daughters and they start applying scriptures clearly meant for husbands and wives to their daughter and her relationship with her father.  This is what the doctrine of Patriocentric Daughters is.  Daughters staying home has turned into daughters being second wives to their fathers.  It’s the homeschool community’s own version of polygamy.  The only difference between the wife and the daughters is that she has a little more authority and she shares his bed.  The goal of helping him exclusively is the same.  Should a daughter help her father?  Of course!  But she should be helping him as he ministers to others, not helping him have an easier life as the king of his little world that is closed off to everyone else for fear of contamination, (although that’s really not the wife’s job either).  She should not be making it her goal in life to serve her father, she should be serving God in a way that she won’t be able to do once she’s married.  Paul said that an unmarried woman is concerned with how she may please God and a married woman is concerned with how she may please her husband.  He doesn’t say that an unmarried woman is concerned with how she may please her father and then that transfers to her husband after she marries.

4. Some parents get to thinking that the daughter at home literally means “at home” and that serving their families literally means ONLY their families.  They don’t let their daughter go out unless she’s with another family member.  They don’t let her (or just don’t encourage her) to use her talents in a way that does not benefit the family.  “You like to cut hair?  Here, cut your family’s hair.”  “You like to sew?  Sew clothes for your family!”  “You want to go on a missions trip?  Wait ’til dad can afford to take everyone.” “You like to decorate?  Decorate the house, (but make sure you do it mom’s way, it’s her house after all.)”  “You want to be a counselor for troubled teens for a week?  Sure, but no, 6 weeks is too long away from home and a whole year as an intern is simply out of the question!”
A daughter remaining at home doesn’t mean she’s there to serve any or all members of the family as her primary mission in life.  She’s there to be helped and encouraged to go out and serve God in whatever way HE wants her to do.

5.  One thing that is the main goal for families that keep their daughters at home is preparing them for marriage.  These little girls are started when they’re born being trained to someday become wives and mothers, (absolutely nothing wrong with that by the way and I would definitely have a problem with the alternative!)  They look forward to that and usually expect that they will finish highschool and within just a short time get married and live happily ever after.  They are encouraged to revolve their lives around preparing for marriage and raising a family.  Finally, when the daughter is old enough and ready to get married….she suddenly finds herself single year after year after year and with very few skills beyond running a household.  So she waits and waits and waits.  Some just keep on waiting.  Some get married later in life.  Some finally get fed up with the whole thing and leave home.  Then there are the few that do get it and they change the way they view life and marriage and finally learn to revolve their life around the Lord whether they marry or not.
This is one that I can especially relate to as this is exactly the mindset that I grew up with.  It was all “biblical” and I could write articles and debate about it without ever running out of scriptures or examples to support my ideas.  I was convinced that it was my goal in life to serve God by being a helpmeet to a man and I revolved my life around that.  Everything I did in some way was related to helping me become a better wife and mother.  I turned down things that I now realize would have made me more effective as a person and better able to minister to others not just my family because I didn’t see those things as part of working toward my chosen career.  Now I am 23 years old and after 5 years of trying and failing over and over again, I am still not married and I have only recently truly begun to understand that my purpose is not to serve a man but to serve God and not to serve God by serving a man necessarily, (although that may be part of it someday) but to just simply serve God whether I am at home with my parents, on my own with roommates, with my husband and children or alone on the mission field.
I have often thought, “What if I don’t ever get married?” and I always brushed the thought away.  Of course I’ll get married, that’s God’s will for me!  Now I actually consider it.  It is not terribly unlikely that I could remain single the rest of my life.  I’ve spent the past 5 years with the goal being to get married as soon as possible, how am I going to spend the next 5 years if I’m still not married?  What I’m still single at 40?  Do I really want to remain in my parents’ home, working 40 hours a week to help pay their bills and buy material things for myself?  Is that what I want to do with my life?  More importantly, is that what God wants me to do with my life?

I once attended a workshop on courtship and several of the parents got up and shared their thoughts on marriage and relationships with the unmarried people there.  Things were going great and then one father got up and turned everything around.  After all the other parents had talked about preparing their daughters for marriage and how to get them married, he said that he hadn’t raised his daughters to get married, but that he had raised his daughters to serve Christ whether that includes marriage or not.  I didn’t exactly disagree with him, but my thought was that, “Of course he’s technically right, but doesn’t he know that God has called his daughters to marry and so of course he should raise them to do so and to work toward that goal?”  I was so wrong and he hit the nail on the head.

Now I say that whether your daughter stays at home or leaves, whether she marries or remains single, teach her to serve Jesus Christ.  Do not teach her to serve you.  Do not teach her to serve her future husband. Teach her to serve and glorify Christ and everything else will fall into place.

I have heard young men say that they were never consider a young woman who was not living at home under her father’s authority.  I find this highly offensive and I strongly believe that those men are very misguided.  I won’t go into that, but I would like to add a note to the young men and parents of young men who may be reading this….

Parents, teach your sons to look for a woman who fears God and honors her father, not a woman who obeys her father and “honors” God.
Sons, look for a woman who loves her Lord first and submits to Him and you will have found a woman who can submit to you…whether you find her at home in her father’s house or on her own.